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Survive the zombie apocalypse, the Army Times way

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What every fashionable zombie slayer will be wearing this fall. (Photo by Rob Curtis)

Hats off to our sister Military Times papers for their hilarious “zombie deployment guide,” which gets into the nitty-gritty of countering a walking dead outbreak. It’s got advice on everything — large-scale military tactics, hand-to-hand combat, clothing to protect against infection, transportation, and most importantly, weapons.

There’s a fair amount of debate among experts over the relative merits of the AK-47, M4 carbine, katana, or good old fashioned baseball bat. The most awe-inspiring? Lauer Custom Weaponry’s LCW15 Zombie Eliminator (which, Staff Writer Jon Anderson drolly notes, features “the arrow gun attachment and Beta-C 100-round ammunition drum”).

The guide, published in this week’s issue of OffDuty, takes a cue from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s own zombie preparedness guide, which we covered here in May. And the American Copy Editors Society today highlighted the excellent work done by our designers, artists and photographers to bring it to life. We hope it gives you a laugh as you head into the weekend.

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CDC publishes … zombie survival guide?

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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has finally stopped wasting our time with swine flu and given us advice we can actually use: How to survive a zombie apocalypse.

CDC’s “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse” blog — written by Assistant Surgeon General Ali Khan — briefly discusses the history of zombies and the viruses that could cause the dead to rise and start snacking on brains. It then segues into serious advice on how to make an emergency kit and evacuation plan, which would also be useful for hurricanes, earthquakes and other non-undead emergencies.

But the blog gets really funny when it seeks to reassure us that CDC would have matters well in hand if there were a zombie outbreak. CDC said it would help cities, states and other nations with lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts with the infected, and quarantining those who have been exposed:

Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas. (I will be volunteering the young nameless disease detectives for the field work.)

Getty Images

Oh, please. Anyone who saw the season finale of AMC’s “The Walking Dead” knows that [SPOILER ALERT] within a few months of the zombie apocalypse, CDC’s Atlanta staff will be down to just one alcoholic researcher, gradually succumbing to suicidal depression. Trust FedLine: You’d be better served by stocking up on baseball or cricket bats, axes and shotgun shells than waiting for CDC to save the day.

But there’s clearly a pent-up demand from the public for this kind of information: Zombie-related traffic crashed CDC’s public health blog Wednesday.

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The greatest government shutdown FAQ ever

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If the government shuts down, the streets of Washington will soon be plagued by thousands of pale figures, staggering around aimlessly with nowhere to go. (Getty Images)

Stressed out over the increasingly-likely government shutdown and furlough? You deserve a laugh. Take a few minutes and read over this shutdown FAQ humorist Mim Landry posted on April Fool’s Day. (It’s probably got more useful information than the Obama administration has given unions so far.)

The whole thing is golden, but here’s a few of my favorites:

What is a furlough? A furlough involves placing an employee in temporary nonduty, nonpay status because of a lack of work or funds or other nondisciplinary reasons. During a furlough, federal government employees are prohibited from conducting official work duties, if any. For some employees, the difference between nonduty and duty is negligible.

Can I work as an exotic dancer during the furlough to make ends meet? Your federal government fully supports your desire to work as an exotic dancer to make ends meet. Simply provide your supervisor the address and performance timings and we’re good.

Do furloughed federal employees get paid? Yes. Federal employees will receive retroactive pay following the furlough. But it may be in rupees.

What about zombies? Since they are technically deceased, zombies pay only sporadic attention to the news and information sources such as telephones and e-mail. They are typically disorganized. Thus, they may not fully appreciate the fact that there has been a government shutdown. [...]

Note that zombies are nearly always considered nonessential personnel and will thus be barred from entering federal government property.

You can find Federal Times’ sadly zombie-less FAQs on the shutdown here and here.

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