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Finally, a deficit reduction plan we can all get behind

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The Onion has the scoop on President Obama’s three-pronged deficit reduction strategy of spending cuts, repealing tax cuts for the wealthy, and staging a daring, Ocean’s 11-style heist at Fort Knox:

According to a fact sheet issued by the White House, the proposed measures include slashing farm subsidies, cutting federal pension insurance, tricking Fort Knox security personnel into thinking that the president and five others are ordinary elevator repairmen, capping Medicaid’s outlays on equipment, shaping C4 charges to blast 21-inch-thick vault doors off their hinges, and curbing discretionary spending.

[...] “Reining in the runaway growth of entitlement programs and the defense budget will not be easy,” Obama said. “And neither will silently ferrying 5,000 tons of bullion through a network of ventilation ducts. But just trust me on this; I’ve got the blueprints and I think I found a way out through a drainage pipe.”

Other ideas under consideration: Trimming the federal workforce, raising the retirement age, and “taking out a $4 trillion fire insurance policy on the Pentagon and burning it to the ground.”

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  1. NormfromGA Says:
    April 28th, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Ordinarily, I would say that the plan was crazy enough that it might just work.

    However, yesterday, Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke called their first-ever news conference, to announce that such desperate measures were anticipated, and that the protection of all such gold depositories have been privatized to prevent so such raids by either the Executive or Legislative Branches.

    He emphasized that the unnamed contracted operatives have been fully trained to repel all such efforts, having watched Oceans-11, Die Hard-3, Goldfinger, and every other bullion-robbing caper films, several times over, and have been authorized to use deadly force if necessary.

    This could get interesting…